Relationships

Respect is the best prevention for domestic abuse.

by Allison Tyra

Early disrespect in relationships can lead to violence later, abuse experts warn.

Koree Claxton is the coordinator of Project Hart, a program through Safe Connections (formerly Women's Support and Community Services) that teaches teens positive behaviors and how to recognize disrespect warning signs.

"The lack of respect definitely leads to abuse," Claxton says. "It gives people a reason to justify violence."

Mutual respect tops the list of characteristics of a healthy relationship, according to the CenterS for Disease Control and Prevention's Choose Respect initiative. The initiative focuses on promoting respect in relationships to prevent abuse.

According to its Web site, people in healthy relationships:
> Talk honestly and freely
> Make decisions together
> Trust and support one another
> Value one another's independence
> Affirm one another
> Encourage one another to spend time with friends and family
> Have the freedom to be themselves

Catching small behaviors is key to prevention of psychological, sexual, physical and finanacial abuse; even things like who pays on a date can signal underlying control issues. The person who pays inherently has power, Claxton says, so if a man insists on doing so, it may indicate he feels a need to have that control. Also, disregarding your wishes if you want to "go Dutch treat" shows a lack of respect for your feelings and opinions; dehumanizing someone justifies, in the abuser's mind, violent actions toward that person.

"Notice the way that they treat those people close to them," Claxton advises. Blaming others for problems that are one's own fault is a common warning sign. It is a way to relinquish responsibility for their own actions, just as an abuser will blame his victim when he hits her.

"Guilt trips are huge," Claxton said. If the victim feels at fault for the abuse, she will stay and try to fix it; once the realization sets in it isn't her fault, she is much more likely to leave.

A need to control one's partner may be characterized by several warning signs, including:
> Calling you names (offensive or derogatory ones, rather than pet names or playful teasing)
> Ignoring your boundaries
> Wanting to know where you are and what you're doing with whom at all times. These start as questions and become commands: "What are you wearing" turns into "Wear this"
> Insecurity, signaled by territorial behavior

Do not accept behaviors like this simply because they apologize. Once may be excusable, depending on the action, but repeated instances are a clear indication that the abuser is not actually repentant.

"In the abuser's mind, he just got away with that," Claxton warns. And if he gets away with it once, there's no incentive not to do it again.

However, if someone notices he or she exhibits these symptoms, there are therapeutic options, like group counseling and individual sessions.

"It's an active effort and a continuing effort on their part," Claxton says about controlling those behaviors. She compares it to an alcoholic's recovery, identifying triggers and smaller actions that could escalate.

Counseling options in St Louis can be found through Safe Connections and Community Treatment, Inc., among other agencies.